Tag Archives: courage

The Ego is a Wily Trickster

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When one talks about ‘changing the world,’ he or she is really talking about people, and the effects that people have had on the environment. The way to ‘change the world’, then, is to change people. And wise people will understand that that really means that the way to change the world is to love people and help people change themselves.

I think the best thing we can do for people, for anyone, is to love them. It is such a simple yet profound truth, that I am somewhat overwhelmed when I even think about it, but it is just so, so true.

What loving people really means, though, entails understanding what love really is, what loving people really constitutes, and this cannot be accomplished until we each individually accept that the self, the ego, is an illusion, and that no matter how much we do for other people, it is not about ‘me.’ This is one of the most subtle, yet profound, things a person must grasp in order to really start walking the path of enlightenment.

The problem is that the ego is a wily trickster, and people often delude themselves into thinking they understand and accept the truth of the self and the ego, and yet when it comes down to it, the enormity of the illusions of their conditioned existences pops up again and again, getting in the way of real acceptance and real progress. This is the difference between knowing the path and walking the path. The difference is much more difficult, and fraught with obstacles, than most people think.

I say this from my own experience. The more I understand and accept, the more I see that there are changes in my life, and things I need to do, or stop doing, that I am not yet ready to do, even though I know that they are hindering my progress. But what I have done is to accept the truth of the truth that who I think I am is not who I really am, and that in discovering who I really am lies all the answers to every question I have ever had, lies true and real happiness.

But the trick is that it takes practice, it takes time, and patience, and real courage. It takes dealing with things and emotions that are not usually present in our normal daily lives; those things that come up and surprise us when we feel lonely, or are sad, or are reminded of something that we may have denied or repressed. One must first understand and accept the truth of the truth, and then—and this is key—one must actively live it.

Again, the great thing about all this is that truth is truth, and everyone has the answers within themselves. Since everyone wants the same things in life, when I say that most people do not understand what love really is, and that it is necessary for them to do so, and to live real love, I know that it is not up to me to tell them what real love is, definitionally. Rather, I know that everyone, deep down, already knows what love really is, and that it is something they need to allow themselves to realize and admit to themselves.

This is the absolute fucking beauty of this process. It’s so beautiful that I am still blinded by its beauty, and overwhelmed by its enormity. But the more I move forward on the path, the more manageable it gets, the easier it gets to accept it and do it.

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From my personal notes, 7/17/00

Resist

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One of the things I need to resist, and I think I have been doing it very well lately, is the pressure to jump into the system. People want to push you into the system, even if they realize that you may not fit in it well.

It is hard for me to trust most people, because it is like Invasion of the Body Snatchers, or The Matrix, where it is hard to know who is your friend or enemy, or at least who is being ignorantly manipulated by the enemy (‘the system’). Like you often hear in sci-fi: trust no one. This is for good reason, for those who do not follow this are almost assured to be sucked in and held captive in some way.

It is hard, of course, because it is a life of loneliness and isolation. But I do not think that it needs to be. This is one of my biggest challenges. It is a life of being misunderstood, on different levels, and by most people, and so it is a very hard life; or, at least fairly lonely, for whether or not it is ‘hard’ has a lot to do with my own degree of enlightenment. Either way, it is a life that takes a lot of courage to live right.

In a way, I am like those people in The Matrix, part of a resistance, but, at least right now, I am on my own, not even really sure that there are other real resisters out there. I feel that there are, but part of the problem is that the line between resistance and collaborator is often not an easy one to find with many people. And those who want to resist, or know certain things about it, may think they are a resister, but are really not free enough to be.

And so the problem is that it is not black-and-white; it is not easy to find those who are really resisters. Many of those who would resist cannot handle it well, and end up defeated. I think this is widespread.

It is important to always remember that the enemy of your enemy is not necessarily your friend. This is one of the biggest problems with gathering a strong unified resistance, for many of those who feel that your enemy is their enemy are not doing it all for the right reasons, are not doing it with open minds and hearts, with love, but rather with hate, or fear, or envy, or pride, or whatever.

This is why it is very rare. It is very rare to find someone who truly understands the trappings and illusory nature of the ego; for many ‘resisters’ are still resisting with their egos, and that’s still, ultimately, part of the problem.

I need to be strong, because I know that pretty much everyone out there is functioning, consciously or not, to suck me in, though they are not necessarily even trying. It is just part of the programming, part of the conditioning that people believe in. And so they may be sincere, but that does not mean that they are on the right track.

Everything seems to be set up to be against who it is that I am. The intricacies of the ways that people resist the truth, resist people like me, are many. For most, it is some combination of hate, envy, fear, arrogance, weakness, weariness, etc. It is such a complex web.

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From my personal notes, 7/10/00

Time to no longer be afraid

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I was thinking about how hard it is to be the only person that really believes in me, and how much better, and, in many ways, easier, it is when someone you really care about and respect and love believes in you, how wonderful that could be. But I do not have that, and so I feel that I need to find the strength and confidence within myself to do it, because I do not have it coming in from outside.

I think that I realize that while it is great to hear that someone else believes that you have something to contribute, that that is not enough, that I need to believe it in myself, that I need to believe in myself if I am really to do it, and do it well.

And so I need to figure out how to be me. I need to figure out how to be the well-oiled me, because right now, I am like a car engine with years of deposits that are keeping it from running well and smoothly. I need to figure out how I can run smoothly, for only then can the things come out of me that I know are in there waiting to come out when they are ready.

I need to clear my mind, clear the cobwebs from my mind.

A lot is going on with all this: there is fear, and I know that I need to find the confidence to do it; I need to not be terrified of being alone; I need to figure out how to not let feeling un-safe cripple me, or hold me back; and there is the feeling that this is the time, that this is the time for me to really start this, that I have finally begun to figure out who it is that I am, and how I should go about being that, though it is not all clear to me.

It is not something that fits into the machine of this society, and so I need to figure out how to be me in this society, and yet not get caught up in it in a way that will hold me back any longer.

This will not be easy, for most people are still in “the matrix,” and, as the movie said, many people are so much in it that they will fight to defend it; and that is hard, because who I am is all about fighting against the matrix, of freeing myself from it.

This is not easy, and it is something I feel I have been struggling with my entire life.

I need to clear away the shit that is keeping me from being who I really am, from expressing who I really am in the ways that I feel are right for me.

I know that I need to allow myself to be myself, that I need to allow for the things that will come out of me to come out of me, and that the work needs to be directed towards clearing away the shit in order to allow it. I need to clear the way for the coming of me, and what I have to express, create, and contribute. And that involves the courage necessary to face and fight the fear that holds me back.

It is time for me to no longer be afraid, to no longer be afraid to finally step out there, into the world, as me, come what may. Because I know full-well that if I do not, that I am guaranteeing myself a life of aloneness and incompleteness and unhappiness.

I need to not feel responsible for this kind of thing for anyone else, for that is their responsibility, and not only would I be doing myself, and them, a disservice by taking it upon myself, but it is wholly impossible, anyway, for me to deal with or take responsibility for that which is theirs alone. Wow. Only now have I been able to really see this.

The hard thing in all this is to get down to earth, to bring these general, and almost abstract, concepts down to the real world, to my real life, to the specifics of me and my life, and deal with them as opposed to just recognizing them.

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From my personal notes, 7/10/00

Losing Everything

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That line from Fight Club: that it’s only when we lose everything that we’re free to do anything. Is this true? I don’t know, but there is much truth in it.

I think that most people, including myself, instinctively (or, out of fear, if we are to be honest with ourselves) think that, well, you don’t have to lose everything; but maybe that is precisely where we are failing ourselves.

Another way of expressing that idea is to say that you have to really let go before you can be free. You have to really let go, of everything that you are holding onto, everything that you are clinging to so hard. Truly, it is not so much that we need to dispose of every (material) thing, as much as we need to let go (“lose”) our beliefs and assumptions; if one truly does this, then those material/emotional things will be able to be let go of without them necessarily being lost, for how can you lose something you never really had? (But, again, if you try to let go as a way of holding on (to whatever), then, well, that obviously won’t work, will it? There’s a perfection here.)

Most often, we don’t even realize just how hard we are clinging to so much. Only when we are challenged, or it is brought out into the light a bit, does it start to reveal just how much we are clinging. Most people, including myself, let go of some stuff, and it feels great when we do (though it is also scary), and then we feel like we have let go of what we needed to, and that’s all we need to do. But this is a wolf in sheep’s clothing, and we are not being as brave and open as we thought. We are letting go of something, but not of all we need to let go of. This is why Fight Club is actually pretty brilliant, because it is about letting go of everything, of hitting bottom before you can really start to live.

The idea is not that it is better to live free as opposed to unfree (which is an obvious truth), but that one cannot start really living until he or she is first free.

As much as many smart people would like to criticize that idea, I think that it is right. Hitting bottom, letting go, does not have to mean falling into a life of sleaze, drugs, and violence. Unfortunately, it often does mean this, because not only is it so hard to let go, but, in this society, when one does go through this, there is no emotional/spiritual support for them from others, for those who “love” him/her are still clingy children themselves, and while they might fancy that they want to be there for the person, the fact is that they can’t, just as a 10-year-old cannot truly be there for a parent who is going through a divorce, no matter how much that child might want to be there for his/her parent.

And so when we do let go, we are so alone and so lost, that things suck us in, for there is no place for a true seeker of enlightenment within this society—one must move off to the fringes, or be nudged out by the contextual circumstance of the whole thing. But that idea of letting everything go is exactly what the Buddha was really teaching. They are the same. (And they are equally done in a half-assed manner by most people who think about and try to implement them.)
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From my personal notes, 6/15/00

Striking Out on Your Own

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I am excited about striking out on my own, but I’m also a bit scared. Just now, the thought occurred to me that I was sort of hiding in that relationship, hiding from the world, from getting out there and being myself, of living life without fear.

What was it about S, or the way I was when I was with her, that made me feel that way? I think it was the way that she didn’t really love me, never really supported me, was always concerned with herself, with the way me living my life the ways that are right for me would affect her, that it was that she never really had faith in me and never committed to me and us (how can you have love without commitment? In my opinion, if you do not love with commitment then it’s not really love, it’s something else).

It was the effect of having that kind of thing in my life. And it is very hard, if not impossible, for a person to be true to himself (or herself), to feel safe and confident enough to do that, when the person you are with is so unsupportive in the ways that S always was.

And so, I have been scared to live life, to be myself, to really express myself. In fact, I was expressly discouraged from being true to myself (and not only by her). She made me feel like I was a bad person for doing the things that were actually all about my liberation from the Matrix. Over time, I suppose I got used to being scared of being myself, of expressing myself to her, or others.

The reasons for this are many. I know that I have lived my life as myself in many ways, but I still sort of feel that it has been half-assed, that I haven’t really put myself out there. I am happy that I no longer have this illusory, constructed security to hide behind, or in. It is hard to try to live life honestly, to put the real you out there. Most people act like they are being real, but they are not, or at least they are holding back, hiding behind a mask, a constructed façade, or illusions. I know this because I have done it myself, and I am pretty good at recognizing it in others.

I feel very fortunate to have been able to recognize it in—and admit it to—myself, because I feel that now I have an opportunity to fulfill who it is I can be, who I really am. This is what my life is about, this is who I am—freedom, liberation from the self-enforced ego prison of the Matrix.

That—being and expressing who you really are—is happiness, what is right; not “morally” right, but right, as in what is. We hide behind, and snuggle within, our illusions, within the comfort and false security of our constructed and conditioned lives, of our fears of things, like putting the real us out there, for fear of rejection, of being alone.

But life is a gamble; we spend so much of our lives trying to control so many things that are not ours to control, and not enough time controlling what we can control—that being what we allow to control us. I feel, strongly, that this is a key to freedom, to happiness, and I am so happy to (finally) be doing it, as opposed to just thinking about it, writing about it, or talking about it.

People hide behind so many things, and one of the hardest things about it is that we often do the wrong things for the right reasons, or at least what we think are the right reasons. There is a big difference between honesty, and true, complete, brave honesty. There is a big difference between self-awareness, and true, honest, brave self-awareness. The line is very difficult to tread, and most people never even see it. I can say this from my own experience: it certainly is harder than anything else one can do in his or her life.

Fortunately, I no longer have anything to hide behind, and it is of utmost importance that I keep making honest efforts to not hide behind anything else, that I am honest and true to—and of—myself.

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From my personal notes 6/6/00

Question Every Belief System

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To live by other people’s judgments and beliefs is to live a lie, to live a life of illusion.

I do not think, in any way, that people should live by “my beliefs,” or the way I think they should live. The only way this could be said is that I do believe that everyone should question their own beliefs and assumptions, that everyone should think, hard, about life, about themselves, and should be open-minded about it all. This is what everyone should do, but this is not narcissism, for this way of being is not something that I have invented and am trying to impose upon others. Rather, it is a path of “awakening” that is there, available to anyone who has the courage to follow it. And what I have seen along my path, during my process, is that if everyone does this, according to their own karmic beings, of course, though everyone will do it somewhat differently, everyone will see the same truths, for reality “is;” I do not decide it.

I have no interest in imposing a reality on someone; rather, I believe that everyone should take control of their own lives, should break out of the chains of their illusions and unquestioned beliefs and assumptions.

To say that this is narcissism is, again, to miss the point entirely, and to not really listen to, let alone think about, what I am saying.

And so, the point is that I do not ask people to live by a certain dogma, but to realize truth by (not “for”) themselves by thinking for themselves, by awakening.

Again, though, we do not decide what is, and so to say that what I discover along the path is different than you do on yours is to not properly follow, let alone understand, this path. This is not saying that what you come up with is “wrong” if it is not what I come up with, for it is not about coming up with anything at all, but rather about discovering what is; and those who follow the path properly will understand this, and will be able to transcend the ego-oriented attitudes of “mine” and “yours,” of “my” reality as opposed to “your” reality, for such distinctions are illusions and unrelated to reality.

The point is that I am not “imposing my belief system” on anyone. I am proposing that people question every belief system, and that simply cannot be called an imposition of belief, for I want people to control themselves, and not be controlled.

But, a big first step in this process is to recognize and accept that we are controlled by our illusions, that we live conditioned existences according to those illusions. Only when people realize this, can they start to deconstruct their conditioned existences, to dissolve those illusions through open and honest questioning and examination. This is the process of enlightenment, and it is the same for everyone.

Everyone must do this for themselves; it is a major part of the process, and so, again, we can see that the idea that I am imposing my beliefs on others simply does not fit into the realm of what I see/recognize or want to do.

Again, if you think about it enough, you will see the truth of it, for I do not create truth, but rather choose to be open to it. It is the difference between arrogance and courage. One cannot be who they really are by thinking they know who they are, but rather by seeking who they really are. Most people mistake arrogance, fear, and selfishness for being who they really are, when that is more properly identified as who they are. I have learned the difference, which is why I think I am finally ready to be myself.

It is both poignant and ironic that when I say that I need to stand up for what “I believe in” (more properly understood as “see”), it is very different from what most people mean by those words. It is funny how it is such a fine line between being yourself and being arrogant, assumptive, and close-minded, for it is impossible to be who you really are and be close-minded. Again, it bears mentioning that being open-minded does not mean to treat as valid that which is invalid. To do so is, actually, weak and cowardly.

There seems to be to be a subtle, yet important, difference between not caring about what other people think about you and not caring about people. I think most people cannot negotiate this subtlety.

To dictate your own life, while being open-minded, is the way to be yourself.

I need to make sure that I only care about what the people who know, and care about, who I am think about me. To not do so would be to take the other extreme and be counterproductive. I just think that I have cared too much about what people who do not know who I am think.

People who truly care about and love you will support you, not undermine you, or judge you, or try to mold you.
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From my personal notes, 5/7/00

Taking Control of Your Life

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Most people live contrary to what they really want, but are so often too lazy, greedy, confused, arrogant, or ignorant to see. For to get what they really want would mean giving up their crutches, taking off the training wheels, trying to live life without clinging to the illusions of their conditioned existences.

I’m tired of living by other people’s judgments of me, of letting other people’s judgments and beliefs dictate my life instead of having the courage to dictate my own life, having the courage to stand in the face of judgment. I’m tired of letting other people’s judgments and beliefs get in the way of who I am, who I can be.

It is impossible to be right when you live by the judgments of those who are wrong.

I have cared too much about what others think of me, and have not cared enough about what I think of me. I think it is time for me to have the courage to not just “be,” but be myself in the face of judgment.

It is time for me to stand up for myself, because no one will do it for me. No one can do it for me, it is simply impossible. It is time for me to stop worrying about what other people think about me, about what I do, about who they think I am, because anyone who has the audacity to judge me can not know who I am, only who, or what, they think I am.

I have let other people live my life for me, pull the strings that make me do this or that; I have not really lived my own life. Like a marionette, I have let others manipulate the strings of my life. It is time to cut those strings and take control of my life. I am tired of letting other people’s judgments of me dictate the way I live. Have some courage! I need to start caring less about what other people think and more about what I think, about truth.

I care very much what people have to say, but the problem is that they really don’t end up saying much, because they are usually marionettes themselves; they are not trying to access reality, but instead speak from, and of, and about, illusions. And if there is anything I have learned, it is that happiness, truth, reality, is not, and cannot come from, illusions, unless they are recognized and accepted as illusions. But most people are of the illusions, believe in them intrinsically, and, as such, cannot speak honestly and truthfully. I care very much what people have to say, but can only give credence to it if who they really are is speaking, not their conditioned ego-selves.

If it is done in the right way, with the right motivation and with an open mind, it is not selfish, but right [to stand up for myself this way], because that is being who I really am—to think for myself and control my own life. I have worried so much about what people think about me that it has crippled me.

I need to stand up and have the courage to be myself, regardless of the backlash.
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From my personal notes, 5/7/00

What is Courage?

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How do you summon courage? From where does it come, the impetus, the force which was not there the moment before, but is now? Why does it come? Necessity? Hope? Desire? Greed? Courage is not greed, desire, or longing, though. Courage is an attitude.

What is courage? What is it like for someone who has never had to have real courage to be in a position to need it to move forward, to persevere, to not simply endure and cope, but lift his foot, so heavy, like lead, and move it forward?

It is when all else is lost, when one’s world is nebulous and hopeless that a person discovers that first taste, that first real glimpse of who they really are, of what they are really made of.

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From my personal notes, 3/19/00