I study people. I want to understand why and how they do what they do. [I also study what I call "the system," or "the Matrix" (as metaphor, of course).] I am not studying this in order to be a part of it, for selfish reasons, to get the better of others, to be able to manipulate them to my will, to better get what I desire. My goal is happiness for people, for life.

But while I study the system, ‘the matrix,’ I know that it is not real in the way reality is real. To do within and of the system is not to be a part of the solution. The point is not to give this illusory existence more credit than it deserves, not to buy into it too much, but rather to see it as, and for what, it really is. And as such, my study cannot fit into any of the established –ologies, for these branches all study the human condition while simultaneiously buying into what ‘is’ without the understanding of the difference between what is and what really is.

One cannot buy into the illusion if he/she wants to understand reality. You can’t look to the illusion to give you positive knowledge of realty; rather, you must study the illusion as an illusion, and as such, ‘negatively,’ in that you learn from the illusion what is not, not what ‘is’. It is about direction, and I think that most people are going in, approaching stuff from, the wrong direction.

One of the reasons I mention this is that people may wonder why I don’t study most people in more depth. It is because most people are not study-worthy. Most people live and express themselves as an illusory ego-self, and as such are boring to me.

Most people are at a level of denial, their wall is at a certain place, and, as such, one can only go so far with learning from them.

Everyone is as complex as everyone else. The difference is where their walls are. And so it ends up being a matter of speculation—which can be fun, but ends up being academic.

The point is that people who are mostly controlled end up behaving in the same ways as other people who are controlled. And so it gets repetitive. After initially getting to know people, they tend to be fairly derivative, which is a bummer, because I wish they would be more original—meaning: more themselves; not simply a product of the typical illusions by which most people live their lives.

If such-and-such a person is not able, or willing, to push the wall back, then there’s nothing to learn from them, as all you’re going to get is their conditioned self at the level of unawareness at which they live and are.

And so I may go out with a friend, who I know is incredibly complex under the surface, but if they hide that complexity behind the wall, all I get is what is in front of the wall, and after a time, I’ve seen what there is to see, and it is often quite similar to what is in front of most people’s walls.

I get it. I’m interested in who people really are, not (just) what they have in front of their walls. The problem is that it is hard to find people whose walls are not so far out in front of their real beings. This is why I don’t spend so much time on most people, on those who are so plugged into the system, for though I think it is important to study and try to understand the system, we must keep in mind that it is a system, it is the Matrix, it is not reality, it is an illusion, it is what it is. And keeping that in mind, it is waste of time to spend time on that which will provide me with no further understanding.

I am sure that there is a lot out there that will give me more understanding, whether it be art, people, experiences, places, etc. And these are the things I want to seek out. The surface level of why people do what they do is rather simple once it is understood. Which essentially comes down to ego and selfish desire. On the other hand, it is what happens—what people are like, who they are when they deal with these issues, when they really start to ‘awaken’, when they start deconstructing their conditioned existences—that I am interested in. For that is closer to, and in the direction of, reality, love, truth, what really is. Unfortunately, it has been my experience that such people are rare, and thus hard to find.

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From my personal notes, 8/12/00