I was thinking about how hard it is to be the only person that really believes in me, and how much better, and, in many ways, easier, it is when someone you really care about and respect and love believes in you, how wonderful that could be. But I do not have that, and so I feel that I need to find the strength and confidence within myself to do it, because I do not have it coming in from outside.
I think that I realize that while it is great to hear that someone else believes that you have something to contribute, that that is not enough, that I need to believe it in myself, that I need to believe in myself if I am really to do it, and do it well.
And so I need to figure out how to be me. I need to figure out how to be the well-oiled me, because right now, I am like a car engine with years of deposits that are keeping it from running well and smoothly. I need to figure out how I can run smoothly, for only then can the things come out of me that I know are in there waiting to come out when they are ready.
I need to clear my mind, clear the cobwebs from my mind.
A lot is going on with all this: there is fear, and I know that I need to find the confidence to do it; I need to not be terrified of being alone; I need to figure out how to not let feeling un-safe cripple me, or hold me back; and there is the feeling that this is the time, that this is the time for me to really start this, that I have finally begun to figure out who it is that I am, and how I should go about being that, though it is not all clear to me.
It is not something that fits into the machine of this society, and so I need to figure out how to be me in this society, and yet not get caught up in it in a way that will hold me back any longer.
This will not be easy, for most people are still in “the matrix,” and, as the movie said, many people are so much in it that they will fight to defend it; and that is hard, because who I am is all about fighting against the matrix, of freeing myself from it.
This is not easy, and it is something I feel I have been struggling with my entire life.
I need to clear away the shit that is keeping me from being who I really am, from expressing who I really am in the ways that I feel are right for me.
I know that I need to allow myself to be myself, that I need to allow for the things that will come out of me to come out of me, and that the work needs to be directed towards clearing away the shit in order to allow it. I need to clear the way for the coming of me, and what I have to express, create, and contribute. And that involves the courage necessary to face and fight the fear that holds me back.
It is time for me to no longer be afraid, to no longer be afraid to finally step out there, into the world, as me, come what may. Because I know full-well that if I do not, that I am guaranteeing myself a life of aloneness and incompleteness and unhappiness.
I need to not feel responsible for this kind of thing for anyone else, for that is their responsibility, and not only would I be doing myself, and them, a disservice by taking it upon myself, but it is wholly impossible, anyway, for me to deal with or take responsibility for that which is theirs alone. Wow. Only now have I been able to really see this.
The hard thing in all this is to get down to earth, to bring these general, and almost abstract, concepts down to the real world, to my real life, to the specifics of me and my life, and deal with them as opposed to just recognizing them.
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From my personal notes, 7/10/00
