I remember when I was studying a lot of philosophy, and when things were pretty bad [in my life], that I was feeling pretty hopeless, that I was thinking about life: “Is this it? Is this all there is?” I had gotten to a point where I was feeling like I had a pretty solid understanding of people and the way they work, why they do the things they do. Life and the options before me were feeling very small, and there didn’t seem to be a lot of fun and excitement, and stuff to learn and discover. I sort of still feel that way, but I think that part of that comes from the fact that I am still fairly isolated and alone in my life.
It is interesting to me how, through our conceptual frameworks, through the way we look at the world, through our experiences and our attitudes and opinions of them, how we can get caught in a box, and the world seems closed, life seems closed and small as opposed to open, mysterious, and unpredictable. I know that there is so much about life that I do not understand, and yet I feel that my existence right now, in the situation and circumstances of my life right now, that I don’t have a lot of opportunity to really experience and learn all that I do not yet know.
Part of this is that the society in which I live is so anti-enlightenment; that this society is so stagnant and lost in selfish delusion, based and run on infantile and selfish ideology. And since most of the people I have so far encountered are a true product of, and cog in, the system, they are caught in that boring and un-challenging cycle—and the fact that they do not see or acknowledge this makes it even more annoying. I am limited because of the system/environment I am in and the people who are a product of, and are so controlled by, that system/environment. And so the idea of getting out of it is always floating around my mind.
It is interesting to me that this kind of hopeless, trapped feeling—the feeling that there is nothing else out there—is also felt by people who have not studied at all, people who are uneducated and ignorant about life and people and why they do the things they do, that the feelings are similar between people who seemingly know a lot and those who know very little. I wonder why this is. But it must be ignorance at the root of it. Even though someone may study and learn a lot, and even experience a lot, they may still be ignorant of a lot about themselves, about their own ‘whys,’ as well as life and the world.
I guess I think it is interesting how people who can seem so different can feel the same things. I mean, we are all humans, and that pretty much explains it, I suppose. It is interesting how people who have such different lives can be in the same kind of unhappy state of being. And I suppose it is also true that people who live such different lives could also be happy; because happiness is not about what you have, or even how much you “know,” but rather how well you are following your path. This path is open to all, to educated and uneducated alike.
This discussion speaks to the realities of human experience, of life, that we are all connected in being human, that we all, at base, really want the same things, and that certain things simply do not bring us happiness; that no matter what you are, who you are will, fundamentally, not be so different than everyone else. In fact, much about our lives and societies gets in the way of the discovery and development of that who, of that true, inner “buddha-nature.”
It is true that we all have “different paths,” but they are all paths, and, in that way, we all are doing the same thing: living life and trying to be happy. How to filter out the crap—and try to be left with what is real and conducive to that development and preservation—is the trick.
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From my personal notes 6/16/00
