The thought just occurred to me that this is what the Jesus story is ultimately about: letting go. It is about the “death” of what you are in order to be who you are. It is about a dying of the old, of your old illusory life, in order to be “resurrected” as who you really are. This is why they used death—in this case, crucifixion—in the story, because it is painful, difficult to accept and go through, and something that we are so scared to do, something we fear greatly.
You have to die (to lose everything) before you can be resurrected (be free to do anything).
I think that the crucifixion story, like Fight Club, shows well the pain involved in the process of being true. This is not an easy, beautiful thing to go through. No, it’s dirty, painful, bloody, messy. How could this be portrayed honestly unless he went through that kind of painful and trying ordeal? It’s a metaphor, but a “literal metaphor,” because it is messy and painful, it’s confusing and dirty, and really, really hard. If it’s not, then you’re not really doing it.
Jesus represents all people, in that we all need to go through that “death” in order to be able to be “resurrected.” But we are so scared, we resist it so much, this idea of letting go and being who we really are.
For most people, their egos continually provide them with a smokescreen of things that trick them into mistaking their constructed ego-selves for who they really are. When they get a glimpse through that veneer, they are terrified, and they cling to the diving board even harder.
It is one of the tricks of the alluring ego-world of illusion. We like our comfort, we fear change, we are still so taken with sensual pleasures, wealth, and honor. If Adam is the child, then Jesus is the adult. This is the brilliance of these stories. Too bad that so many people are too ignorant and arrogant to see them for, and as, they really are. They are children who take such brilliant stories and allegories literally, because that is what immature child-like minds do, because they are not ready to see—let alone live—the truth.
I feel that I am at the point in my path where I am seeing the truth, and I am scared of it, and I am resisting it. And yet, like Jesus, can I really escape who I am? I can run as much as I want to, I can bury my face in the sand of material and sensual pleasures, but who I am is who I am, and I cannot really run away from that, nor escape it, no matter how much I run and hide.
I’m almost a little pissed and disappointed that I am at this transitional place, because I want to have more fun! I feel that I haven’t yet been able to have real fun. But, again, I need to be careful not to go to the extreme of denial, of living an ascetic life, because that is not the answer. It is not what we do but how and why we do it that matters. I can—and a part of me thinks that I need to—have some real fun, that it is part of me being who I am, of doing without fear, of being myself. I do not think that this is a process for another world, or for some other, dualistic “heaven.” Why? For the very simple and obvious reason that I am here, in this existence, on this earth, in this place. I am supposed to do this here, with this life, with this body, etc. This is a mistake that I think many Christians make. They think that “redemption,” or “the resurrection,” is for another world, when it is rather for this world; otherwise, we would not be able to “see” it, as humans in this world.
This phase, this “resurrection” is meant for this world, for this existence. And it is implicit in the Jesus story, which has been so misunderstood. We need to let reality, what “is,” be more of our teacher, our guide. This is what Spinoza saw. This is what the Buddha saw.
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From my personal notes, 6/15/00
