Most people live contrary to what they really want, but are so often too lazy, greedy, confused, arrogant, or ignorant to see. For to get what they really want would mean giving up their crutches, taking off the training wheels, trying to live life without clinging to the illusions of their conditioned existences.
I’m tired of living by other people’s judgments of me, of letting other people’s judgments and beliefs dictate my life instead of having the courage to dictate my own life, having the courage to stand in the face of judgment. I’m tired of letting other people’s judgments and beliefs get in the way of who I am, who I can be.
It is impossible to be right when you live by the judgments of those who are wrong.
I have cared too much about what others think of me, and have not cared enough about what I think of me. I think it is time for me to have the courage to not just “be,” but be myself in the face of judgment.
It is time for me to stand up for myself, because no one will do it for me. No one can do it for me, it is simply impossible. It is time for me to stop worrying about what other people think about me, about what I do, about who they think I am, because anyone who has the audacity to judge me can not know who I am, only who, or what, they think I am.
I have let other people live my life for me, pull the strings that make me do this or that; I have not really lived my own life. Like a marionette, I have let others manipulate the strings of my life. It is time to cut those strings and take control of my life. I am tired of letting other people’s judgments of me dictate the way I live. Have some courage! I need to start caring less about what other people think and more about what I think, about truth.
I care very much what people have to say, but the problem is that they really don’t end up saying much, because they are usually marionettes themselves; they are not trying to access reality, but instead speak from, and of, and about, illusions. And if there is anything I have learned, it is that happiness, truth, reality, is not, and cannot come from, illusions, unless they are recognized and accepted as illusions. But most people are of the illusions, believe in them intrinsically, and, as such, cannot speak honestly and truthfully. I care very much what people have to say, but can only give credence to it if who they really are is speaking, not their conditioned ego-selves.
If it is done in the right way, with the right motivation and with an open mind, it is not selfish, but right [to stand up for myself this way], because that is being who I really am—to think for myself and control my own life. I have worried so much about what people think about me that it has crippled me.
I need to stand up and have the courage to be myself, regardless of the backlash.
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From my personal notes, 5/7/00
