One of life’s difficulties is that people tend to think and speak in extremes and generalities. We say a person is nice—are they nice all the time? If they are nice most of the time and occasionally are very mean, what then?
Part of the problem is that we may not be the same person from one moment to the next. We are and we aren’t. But we cannot think or talk about people that way; we have to generalize for brevity’s sake; otherwise we would never get anywhere in our thoughts or conversations.
This is a conundrum, and one that causes many problems in many people’s lives.
How are we to judge people? By their actions, or motivations, or both, or something else? And when? Which actions, which motivations?
The world is not black and white, nor is it gray. It is in color, more colors than the human eye can see or even imagine. We generalize and force extremes on a particular and colorful world. We make black and white what is color for our own comprehension, and then mistake our comprehension for reality. It is inconsistent, to be sure, but it is also dangerous. The more mindful we are to this, the better we will treat each other.
A person does something in your presence and you judge them by it. How can you not? You could speculate all you want about things they may have done or do, or what they may be like, but that is all in your imagination. We cannot judge people on who and what we think they may be. But this is precisely the problem, because even though we should not judge people on the small amount of information we infer about them, what else do we have to go on?
Most people are very bad at giving another person the benefit of the doubt. Most people judge others unfairly, and ignorantly, and according to their own beliefs, limited understanding, their own assumptions. They apply their own illusions to others; it is a narcissistic way of judging, of imposing your own beliefs, your own limited understanding of the world onto others. This is because most people are selfish; they are not compassionate, generous, loving, and mindful. They filter everything through their own narrow, biased, and conditioned ego and presume to judge others accordingly. No wonder it is so hard for people to get along!
It takes audacity to judge other people. It takes arrogance and most especially ignorance. It takes a lazy, narrow mind. It also makes the world an unhappier and worse place.
I think that it is always wise to withhold judgment, but to observe and to gather information, but never to think that you are at the place where you have totally figured someone out to the point where you will behave a certain way to them out of your judgment of them, rather than from who they really are.
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From my personal notes, 4/26/00
