Why do we live under the assumption that we need shame, and the threat of shame, from without or within, in order to treat each other well? Why do we need shame? What real purpose does it serve, other than to control and manipulate?
Very young children, when they are happy, seem to be in touch with a true happiness that most adults have lost. Who can deny this, who has spent a few hours with a child? They also seem to know no shame. They have no concept of it. They’ll run around naked without a care in the world. Why do we so devalue the potential wisdom to be gained from a more enlightened understanding of childhood and certain child behaviors? Why do we ignore this seemingly obvious connection between happiness and lack of shame? We dismiss it because they are “children,” a concept most so-called adults do not remotely understand, and so we ignorantly and arrogantly equate a lack of shame with being a child, something that is “unseemly” in an adult. Thus, our simple-minded logic tells us that adults must have shame to keep us in line, because otherwise we would be “children,” which we, of course, see as being equated with other aspects of childhood. We assume that children are childish because they are biologically children and that adults are adults because they are biologically adults. And through that assumption, we assume that whatever children do must not be something adults should do. We sweep it all into the dust bin without discretion.
I think we should re-think these assumptions. That instead of being so narrow-minded as to assume that the opposite of that care-free attitude that children have is shame, we see another possibility. That possibility is one thing which I think should, and does, separate real children from real adults: self-control. Self-control and personal responsibility is what really separates an adult from a child. He or she who needs to be controlled by an outside power, and/or does not take full responsibility for his/her own life and happiness, is not really an adult, but a child. A real adult does not need shame, or anything else, for that matter, to control his/her behavior. (And just in case someone might think that this is an endorsement of people “doing whatever they want,” running around raping and pillaging, recall that such people are not exhibiting self-control; they certainly very controlled: by their ignorance and unmindful ideologies. One is controlled by ignorance and ideology as much as by imposed rules and laws. I would even say more. Much more. But, that is discussed elsewhere.)
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From my personal notes, 12/6/99.
